do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
