Don't make out with my wife yet
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
