remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
