Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
