Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize