I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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