you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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