Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
