im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
