You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
there's paper in my vomit.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
