I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just found puke in my bra..
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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