i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
