I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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