Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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