I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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