yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
