So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
