I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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