my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
