I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
