I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
