Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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