in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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