We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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