Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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