when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
