No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
