walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
