you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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