We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
