my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My vagina is very pro this idea
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize