just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize