May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I need a beard to bite.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
