For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
