Duck Duck Cougar?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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