The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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