2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
