My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize