look no pants
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
