mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
