3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
