drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
