I just threw up on my dentist
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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