"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize