just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize