So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
