So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
