It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
