he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
