a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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