oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
