I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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