and my herpes radar will keep us safe
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Text me some of your sweat
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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