I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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