Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize