He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
