he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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