I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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