im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
